Emotions

I'm an emotional being. I'm sure a lot of women and some men will identify with the statement. I'm not sure how many will identify with being an emotional eater, lover, friend, employee and writer. It does, however, seem like my emotions get me into trouble.

I'm an emotional employee; when things at work are not going ok I feel it and want to express myself to my lover. I recently read in a magazine that men are biologically "innate problem solvers" which explains why my boyfriend doesn't understand that sometimes all I want to do is vent (unless I explicitly say I want to vent of course) and he tries to fix the problem by either trying to make me laugh or see the bright side. Unfortunately sometimes I just don't want to laugh. As I become more emotional because he just doesn't get me it trickles to the other spheres of my life. I don't feel like going to gym because I'm so upset even though I know that the endorphins that I'd release by exercising would make me feel better. Instead I think that a big packet of chips and lots of Coca Cola and eventually some ice cream will make me feel better. It only makes me feel worse because when I look in the mirror I see and feel fat (speaking of which, is fat a feeling?). I'd promised a friend that we'd hang out but because I've managed to let my emotions get the better of me I cancel on a friend who probably needs me.

It's not all bad news though cos I think I write my best pieces when I'm most emotional but that's not the kind of writer that I want to be. What's gonna happen when I become emotionally intelligent?

I was hoping I'd end the blog with some profound message. I don't have one. I just wanted to "vent."

I Hate...

I hate waiting.
I hate being late.
I hate it when a person says to me "relax".
"My cousin likes to be on time. Why do you hate to be late?" he asked. I couldn't answer to my own satisfaction. My answer was so as to defend myself and what I hate.

I blog as I sit at a coffee shop waiting to meet my writing partner for our regular Thursday meetings. He hasn't pitched yer, 40 minutes later than scheduled. He hasn't responded to my sms either. I usually confirm our meetings in the morning or just before I get here but he hates it when I do that if we haven't rescheduled our meetings. The reason I always confirmed was because I didn't want to make the trip for nothing.

Is this the part where I say "waiting gives me an opportunity to get to things I wouldn't have been able to get to otherwise" or do I say " I hate waiting"?

Saying Goodbye

We live on borrowed time - How are you using yours? What would your family, friends, neighbours and colleagues say about you at your funeral? How would they remember you?

Heavy questions aren't they? As I sat at the funeral service of a friend who is also a friend's husband and my brother's very close friend those questions crossed my mind. Ganyani was a man so full of life and seeing him lying so still and lifeless made my body shake involuntarily and it just broke my heart. I cannot even begin to imagine how his wife is feeling. I cannot begin to imagine how his family and very close friends are feeling. The sad reality is that death is imminent and we don't know how and/or when we are going to go. If we did, I'm sure we'd say goodbye even though saying goodbye is hard.

When someone I haven't spoken to in a while crosses my mind, I will pick up the phone and call him or her. If it has to wait I'll set a reminder to do it later. I will try my best to use the borrowed time wisely. To not let things left unsaid. I am sure that tomorrow will come because I'm alive and I'm hopeful but I will try my very best to tell and show the people I love and care about how I feel when I and them are still on this earth.

Don't put things off till tomorrow if you can do them today...I think I'm starting to get it; life is short. (it's a pity that the end of a great life had to be my reminder). RIP Ganyani, you are sorely missed.

Love Doesn't Hurt

Why is it that we seek to be loved by people who don't love us and we push away those who love us? How many times in your life have you found yourself pining for someone who didn't know you existed, who treated you badly or just didn't feel the same way about you? It's happened to me a couple of times and it took a while for me to break the habit (for the lack of a better phrase). I had to learn to accept that some friends won't be there forever, some cousins might just turn on you and sometimes the people you least expect to like or even love you would be the ones who DO really love you.

Until not so long ago I believed that love hurts. That loving someone was painful and the best thing I can do is love my family cos they love me back, they are genetically coded do so and regardless of what I do or don't do their love is guaranteed. Why should I expect someone I met a year or even 5 years ago to love me? Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with being in love or loving someone, the problem is when it hurts.

A person who loves you won't hurt you; physically, emotionally or in any way possible. If he/she does, it's not intentional and he/she will try to fix things as soon as he/she realises what he/she has done. When a person who loves you sees that you are hurting he/she will want to move mountains and cross valleys to take your hurt away. When loving someone hurts then that person does not deserve your love. Think about what it is about loving that person that is hurting you. Is it the lack of reciprocation, is it him/her being emotionally unavailable, is it physical abuse or does it just not feel right?

When you are in love don't you just feel like you are on top of the world. Don't you feel like telling the whole world how you feel? Isn't love that feeling that makes you want to smile just from the thought of the person that you love? That feeling that makes you think you can conquer anything and knowing that should something want to conquer you, the person you love will help keep you strong?

I truly believe that love doesn't hurt. The moment it starts to hurt it's NOT love. It's something that you want to believe is love or its misplaced.

We all have different takes on love at different times in our lives. This is mine at this point in my life. What's yours?

The Beginning

I've always been able to articulate my thoughts and feelings better in writing. I even deal with my emotions better when I can somehow see them on paper. I remember when I was younger and thought my mom owed me an apology, I couldn't talk to her instead I'd write her a letter. Over the years I've learned to express myself by speaking but writing still remains the easier and more effective method for me.

I want to write more. At times I sit and trace words with my fingers on the armrest of the couch. Sometimes I think thoughts and ask questions that amaze myself and those around me. Writing is a way for me to get those thoughts and questions out of my head. Is blogging going to help? I think and hope so
So here's to the beginning of a new era...to A Lil' Bit of This and That :)