Losing It

Like Aunty O (Oprah) and many other women all over the world, I have had weight issues for the most part of my life. When I was 15 I was a borderline anorexic who saw herself as nothing but fat. A classmate called me a fat pig and I believed it, so I stopped eating to no longer be fat. The year I turned 16 was my first year at university and I got so fat (yeah, I said/wrote it) that my uncle walked past me. He didn't recognise me. I actually think he didn't recognise me because he didn't know I was home and wasn't expecting to see me, not because I was chubby.

I've been fat, I've been skinny, I've been so fit that I had a stomach so tight it had the outline of a 6 pack and I've been average. Have I ever really been satisfied, NOT really. When I was fat I loathed myself and shopping for clothes cos I couldn't get bras and pants that fitted well. When I was skinny I didn't see myself as skinny. I was too hungry and dizzy to see anything. When I was fit I was so addicted to working out so I could just get that 6 six pack and that toned arm and and and. When I was average I didn't think much about weight but when it did cross my mind I would tuck in my tummy and think "hmmm…it'd be nice if it were like that".

In the beginning of the year that I turn 27 I discovered that I was grossly overweight (ok, maybe not grossly) and that my cholesterol levels were high. The lady who broke the news about my cholesterol levels asked if I did any cardio. When I said I did, she said that if it were not for the cardio the levels would be much higher. That, and the cleaning lady at work telling me I'm getting fat, was a wakeup call for me. Did I mention that the cleaning lady had only known me for about 3 months? Anyway, I thought to myself - I go to the gym more than the average person out there. I eat fruit and vegetables on a regular basis. I have been trying to lose weight but I am struggling. I realised that I needed help, a support system. I needed a lifestyle change. I didn't want to join Weighless because I didn't want to buy special food, weigh food and spend more time preparing than eating the food. I needed something drastic yet more realistic. I eventually joined Weight Watchers. It has been 13 weeks and I've lost 6.4kg. I am 1.78kg from my goal weight and I feel great. They always say they feel great in the magazines and the bill boards. I don't really FEEL any different. I look different. I'm proud of my achievement and it's nice to be able to fit into some of my old clothes. It sucks to not be able to fit into others. The important thing that I'm trying to put across though is THAT, I don't feel like this is a life changing moment. I don't feel like I've achieved something I should be rewarded for. At least that's how I feel today. I feel like I did what I needed to do. I shouldn't have let the weight get out of hand in the first place.

So today, like every other Tuesday after my weigh in, I update my darling boyfriend about my achievement. He's not the type to directly say "well done baby" but he'll tell a story that in some way is his way of congratulating me. This is the part where I'm about to confuse you (yes, YOU, the reader. Maybe some of you!) and maybe enlighten some men. Even though I do not feel great about the achievement, it is and was important to me and my health that I shed the extra kilos that I was lugging around. At the time when it was hard to take it off and I was feeling s%*tty about myself, I imagined that I'd be happy to lose the weight (and sometimes I am happy). The man in my life has been and continues to be very supportive even though he didn't understand the desire I had to lose weight. So regardless of how I feel about the loss (which he didn't know of until now) I still wanted him to say I did well. Cos I did do well. The joy of being a woman is that you can contradict yourself and you can have contradictory feelings about something and still expect your man to support you. It's crazy, I know and you guys don't get it but that's just the way it is. It's the way we are, well some of us.