Death

On July 22nd 2010 death came into my life. Just after I got to work my mom phoned to let me know that my aunt had died. I didn’t believe her but I knew she had no reason to say anything like that. At that moment, my life became about my family. My life is about them; what they need and what I can do for them. I’ve never experienced death so closely. Rhandu was my aunt biologically. In life, she was and remains my sister and friend. She was one of the few people that had my back, no matter what. No matter what I do or don’t do for them. She was family.



Writing about her in the past tense brings tears to my eyes. Almost 3 months later and the pain is still so raw. There are no words that can describe how I feel. There is nothing that anybody can say or do to make me feel better. I don’t expect anyone to say or do anything. As I said at the funeral, I am waiting for someone to wake me up from this nightmare then I can call Rhandu and tell her that I dreamt she had died and it was amazing the support we got. I’m not waking up. On some days it’s ok, I get along and even when I think about her it’s not that bad. On other days I cannot believe it. When I do eventually believe it, it just hurts. It hurts so much.


Death has changed me. I feel nothing like myself. I’d rather spend time alone or with my family. I know that this is not how Rhandu would want me to live. Sometimes I can even imagine what she’d say to me if she was here. She’d tell me to pray and to not hold on to the pain. How I wish I could pray. Talking to God has become 300% harder for me since she died. I have so many questions for God but I find it difficult to ask. I can’t even get myself to go to church. Church makes me sad. It makes me want to cry.


I don’t want to be all about death and grief. I know that I am not special; I am not the only one who has lost someone special. Other people have been through worse. On the other hand, am I supposed to not feel pain because I’m not the only one who has experienced death? Its like, am I supposed to not eat because other people don’t have food? I think I have the right to feel sad but how long am I supposed to feel sad for? Do I have to pretend to be ok even when I’m not ok? I don’t know what to do or how to feel.


My relationship with my boyfriend has been negatively affected by this. I went for grief counselling to not have to burden him or anybody else. I keep my distance so I don’t just turn on him when the sadness kicks in. Sometimes I WANT to be sad because I feel guilty for having fun, being happy or experiencing pleasure. How can I be feeling all that when Rhandu feels none of it. We all want to believe the ones we love are with God and they are better off. I can’t get the image of her in a coffin inside the deepest grave I’ve ever seen covered with soil and reinforced with cement. We left her there and we are supposed to just go on with our lives. I don’t get it. I don’t get it at ALL.